There are sexual predators everywhere. They can be anyone - even someone you trust and know. But not many victims of sexual abuse actually speak up when it happens. This is because the perpetrator applies the grooming process towards their victims, especially children.
“Child grooming comprises actions deliberately undertaken with the aim of befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, to lower the child's inhibitions in order to sexually abuse the child” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_grooming). Sexual grooming is a long and slow process, usually lasting months or years. The goal is to gain the trust of the victim, which puts the offender in a position of power over him or her. This helps assure that the victim does not tell on the perpetrator. The sexual grooming process generally involves six steps, but most of the time before grooming the child, the offender grooms the parents into trusting him with their child. This usually means that the parents know the offender, often times very well. Here are the six steps.
Stage one: Targeting the victim
The first step is for the offender to pick out the victim - a child with greater vulnerability, lower self esteem, and preferably lower parental-supervision. Often times, an abuser was abused as a child. (This does not, however, mean that most of the children who were abused end up abusing. In fact, a very small amount of victims actually do go on to be offenders.) They often target children the age they were when they were abused, and stick with this age of victim almost consistently.
Stage two: Gaining the victim’s trust
This is done through compassion and extra attention, gathering information about the child. They seem just like a responsible caretaker, and expert offenders know not to show too much right away, as to provoke suspicion. They find the child’s needs and fill them, taking on an almost parent-like role.
Stage three: Filling a need
The sexual offender sees a child’s needs and fills it, whether that’s attention, affection, or a physical gift. The perpetrator becomes noticeably more important in the child’s life, and the child often times begins to idealize offender at this stage. The relationship has not been made sexual yet; it is still a seemingly innocent interest in the child’s life.
Step four: Isolating the child
The offender uses excuses for him/herself and the child to be alone together. If the offender is a coach, maybe he/she insists on giving that child rides home alone. This creates a deeper connection and bond between the child and the perpetrator. A deeper bond can be created when the offender reinforces that he/she loves the child in a deeper and more special way than anyone else, even parents, do.
Step five: Sexualizing the relationship
The offender completes this step by slowly desensitizing the child from sexual-ness that is brought into the relationship. This can start with a semi-sexual remark, or joke, and lead to touching that to the outside eye seems fine - a hand around the waist, hugging, or playing with the child’s hair. This can move into more sexual touching: on the torso or lower back. Like I said, this is a slow process. He/she needs to desensitize the child so that the child does not find what they end up doing alarming or all that unusual.
Step six: Maintaining Control
This is the sex offender’s most vital and important step. If control is not maintained then the child will be much more likely to tell someone what has been going on with the offender. Also, continually exerting power over the victim allows the perpetrator to keep abusing the child. The sexual activity in the relationship may cause the child to withdraw from the relationship. The perpetrator maintains control by using secrecy and blame. The abuser often times tells the child it is their little secret, and that if they tell anyone they will kill them. Using blame, they get it into the child’s head that they made this happen to themselves, and that if they tell, everyone will blame and shame them, not the offender. The sexual offender also uses threats - threats to end the relationship between him/herself and the child, therefore ending the gifts, attention, and affection that comes with it. Through the grooming process, the child often times comes to love the abuser and develops a strong pathological relationship with him/her. The child does not want to risk losing this person and the things he/she offers - thus complying with the offender’s sexual demands in order to keep the relationship going.
The perpetrator is almost never a stranger. It is someone that the victim and the family know and trust before hand. Uncles, teachers, grandparents, step-parents, and coaches are all capable of being sexual abusers. Often times abusers are well off. They have good jobs (if it is one that allows them to frequently come in contact with children, then this could be their means of targeting victims), nice houses, and seemingly great personalities. You can never really know. The main lesson? Be careful who you or your friends get close to. You could be walking right into a trap that is nearly impossible to escape.
~Mady
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